My Best Friend and Worst Enemy

I’ve never labeled myself an anorexic, bulimic or even someone who has an eating disorder. Why? Because to me the word is somehow sacred it sounds weird I know. But at times – and I know that it’s incredibly wrong – I’ve glorified these labels as something good. Not when it comes to others, of course not! But when it comes to me. Almost as if I’ve wanted to become either an anorexic, bulimic or a person who has an eating disorder. It sounds sick.

I’m sort of past that now and looking back I guess I’ve been at least bulimic and I probably have some sort of eating disorder seeing as my relationship with food isn’t healthy or good. But, I’ve sort of reserved these labels for others, those who kind of  “deserves” them…and I’ve never thought of myself as one of those people. My problems aren’t constant and I  usually snap out of those phases pretty quickly, so why would I “deserve” (not that it should be something that you deserve) to be labeled either or?

At the moment I’m in one of my down phases, after that major cold I’ve been having a real hard time eating and getting the calories that I know that I need. I mean my goal now isn’t to become a skeleton like before, but rather to become lean and muscular…

On the picture you can see a scale and I’ve had a complicated relationship with that thing too, in many ways – through out my youth – it has been a close companion (yes, I’m talking like this about a scale…), something that I’ve relied heavily on. Something to help me feel in control, so to say. But in many ways, it has also been my worst enemy. Seeing those numbers, fighting against them…it hasn’t been easy. That’s why I’ve had a policy for a few years now, that I shouldn’t own my own scale. So I don’t have one.

But lately, even if I can’t really see any difference in the mirror (not really), but I do notice the difference with my clothes. I’ve been curious, how much have I lost? Instead I started measuring myself with a measuring tape and hello numbers again, I have not missed you. But at the same time I can’t do nothing either, I want to know what’s happening with my body and boy are things happening! I’ve lost 3 cm at my waist and 3 cm over the hips – in one week! 

I have to start controlling my eating again, so that I’ll get all the calories I need…it’s just hard. I feel like I’m powerless, but at the same time the one with all the power. I’m finally loosing weight, I don’t really want to stop. And even if I know that if I eat clean, I will loose weight anyway. It’s hard for my brain to wrap itself around that thought.
But I’ll get there, I have to.

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