since I’ve been shedding weight/fat quite quickly these last couple of days due mostly to unhealthy eating…I’ve tried to gain back some strength by drinking protein shakes and today, instead of following the calendar I went to the gym. Third time in two weeks and I’m absolutely loving it. Weird, huh? But I do. It’s something about letting it all out, frustrations or whatever it might be. To train so hard that you want to scream because your muscles are so sore. It’s amazing. Pain and pleasure truly are closely related, at least when it comes to this. After the gym today, I was filled with energy and since spring has finally decided to show up, well I felt good. Really good.
But, like I’ve said I’ve ended up in a weird place and to be honest I’m struggling. I’m usually the one taking on other people’s burdens and I like it, I mean I like to help but I’m not all that good at admitting that I myself might be in need of comfort or help. Sometimes I try so hard to put up an exterior that seems normal that it becomes downright exhausting. So I guess this is a new outlet of sorts, I’m sorry if it becomes quite dark at times. But picking up exercising and turning it into a lifestyle, well it can’t be easy all the time now can it?
It’s still this whole problem with eating enough, I thought that it’d become easier as soon as I started to train again. That I’d realize that I need the calories to be able to build muscles and just live ordinary life. But something went wrong with my logic and I’ve been here before, I just don’t think I’ve kept it up this stubbornly before – at least not while exercising. I usually cave after a while automatically and pick up a bag of chips or something similar. But not now.
When I feel particularly dark and hear my close friend say something like “you won’t be able to keep this up forever, you’ll be dead before you’re thin enough”, I think that oh, well at least then I won’t have to struggle with this shit. I won’t have to worry about what to eat or rather not to eat. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die…it’s just that this is all taking a great toll on me and sometimes my mind ventures into these kind of thoughts.
But I’m not a quitter, so I won’t give up. I’m trying my best to keep my head above water so to speak and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to turn things around. Like I said in my previous entry, I’m lucky to have such amazing people in my life <3. I hope you do too.