I know that I’ve been horrible at keeping this up! I’m sorry. But like I explained in the last entry, I’ve been sick and needless to say, a blog dedicated to the subject of me training isn’t really going to strive under a period like that. But now I’m back again and I want to say “stronger than ever”, but that’s not entirely true for more than one reason. Of course, I knew that going back – after being sick and off training for over a week – wasn’t going to be easy, but it’s been more than that.
To continue where I sort of left it in my previous entry, I’ve lost weight. Mostly due to the major cold, I mean how fun is it to eat when you can barely swallow and definitely can’t taste a thing? Not much. And while I’m thrilled – or rather more content – with what I see in the mirror now, it’s all bittersweet. I don’t know, I can’t really make heads or tails about what I feel. I mean I love the feeling I have now: the giddiness that takes complete control over my body and psyche when I try on clothes and notice that they’re either looser or maybe even too big. That’s such an amazing feeling. But (yeah, there always seem to be a “but” lurking around, doesn’t it?) with this weight loss comes a lot of other feelings too, I mean what if I gain it back? Oh, the horror.
To be honest, and like you remember I’ve made a deal with myself (and you guys) that I’m going to be honest. Completely honest. Things haven’t been that good lately. Before I became sick I had no problem following Cassey’s instructions and directions when it came to eating clean/healthy. Rather I welcomed it and while it was difficult at times, to be creative I liked it and I kept a very balanced diet and more importantly l I didn’t do anything rash like skipping meals or throwing up. I felt really good.
But lately, it’s like I have this little voice inside my head whispering remember that you lost all this weight quickly, and you look better now, just because you didn’t eat much at all! And all of a sudden, I’m sitting here with an all too familiar feeling: that I’m scared of food, of eating because it’ll surely make me gain again. Which I don’t want.
And even now that I’ve started exercising again, I can’t really make myself eat the way that I should and before you all start shouting at me that I should know better and all the cons of not eating while exercising. Let me stop you right there, because I know. Alright? I do know and I know what happens in the end. But it’s just not all that easy.
I’m trying to tell myself that this isn’t a solution, it’s better that I gain a little again if that means start eating better and then gradually loose the weight again after a while. But (yeah, that damn “but” again), I just don’t know how. I feel powerless, but at the same time I know that in reality, I am the one with all the power. No one else is making me think these things or do these things.
Fortunately for me I’ve got E in my life and a new found friend, D. I don’t know what I’d do without these guys, they are truly my rocks and I don’t even think that they’re aware of the ways that they’re helping me, or even the way that they’re saving me from myself every single day. I’m eternally grateful and with them in my corner, I’m hoping to get back on track for real. Exercising AND eating!
I also wanted to give a shout-out to Bri, thank you so much for your support! Your latest comment really moved me and it meant so much to me that you’re reading my blog, that you listened to what I had to say (and even enjoyed it!). I’ve always loved writing, but the feeling of knowing that I’ve reached out to someone, well that’s something truly amazing. Thank you, honey!