My Best Friend and Worst Enemy

I’ve never labeled myself an anorexic, bulimic or even someone who has an eating disorder. Why? Because to me the word is somehow sacred it sounds weird I know. But at times – and I know that it’s incredibly wrong – I’ve glorified these labels as something good. Not when it comes to others, of course not! But when it comes to me. Almost as if I’ve wanted to become either an anorexic, bulimic or a person who has an eating disorder. It sounds sick.

I’m sort of past that now and looking back I guess I’ve been at least bulimic and I probably have some sort of eating disorder seeing as my relationship with food isn’t healthy or good. But, I’ve sort of reserved these labels for others, those who kind of  “deserves” them…and I’ve never thought of myself as one of those people. My problems aren’t constant and I  usually snap out of those phases pretty quickly, so why would I “deserve” (not that it should be something that you deserve) to be labeled either or?

At the moment I’m in one of my down phases, after that major cold I’ve been having a real hard time eating and getting the calories that I know that I need. I mean my goal now isn’t to become a skeleton like before, but rather to become lean and muscular…

On the picture you can see a scale and I’ve had a complicated relationship with that thing too, in many ways – through out my youth – it has been a close companion (yes, I’m talking like this about a scale…), something that I’ve relied heavily on. Something to help me feel in control, so to say. But in many ways, it has also been my worst enemy. Seeing those numbers, fighting against them…it hasn’t been easy. That’s why I’ve had a policy for a few years now, that I shouldn’t own my own scale. So I don’t have one.

But lately, even if I can’t really see any difference in the mirror (not really), but I do notice the difference with my clothes. I’ve been curious, how much have I lost? Instead I started measuring myself with a measuring tape and hello numbers again, I have not missed you. But at the same time I can’t do nothing either, I want to know what’s happening with my body and boy are things happening! I’ve lost 3 cm at my waist and 3 cm over the hips – in one week! 

I have to start controlling my eating again, so that I’ll get all the calories I need…it’s just hard. I feel like I’m powerless, but at the same time the one with all the power. I’m finally loosing weight, I don’t really want to stop. And even if I know that if I eat clean, I will loose weight anyway. It’s hard for my brain to wrap itself around that thought.
But I’ll get there, I have to.

Gym and Darkness

 

Hey guys,

since I’ve been shedding weight/fat quite quickly these last couple of days due mostly to unhealthy eating…I’ve tried to gain back some strength by drinking protein shakes and today, instead of following the calendar I went to the gym. Third time in two weeks and I’m absolutely loving it. Weird, huh? But I do. It’s something about letting it all out, frustrations or whatever it might be. To train so hard that you want to scream because your muscles are so sore. It’s amazing. Pain and pleasure truly are closely related, at least when it comes to this. After the gym today, I was filled with energy and since spring has finally decided to show up, well I felt good. Really good.

But, like I’ve said I’ve ended up in a weird place and to be honest I’m struggling. I’m usually the one taking on other people’s burdens and I like it, I mean I like to help but I’m not all that good at admitting that I myself might be in need of comfort or help. Sometimes I try so hard to put up an exterior that seems normal that it becomes downright exhausting. So I guess this is a new outlet of sorts, I’m sorry if it becomes quite dark at times. But picking up exercising and turning it into a lifestyle, well it can’t be easy all the time now can it?

It’s still this whole problem with eating enough, I thought that it’d become easier as soon as I started to train again. That I’d realize that I need the calories to be able to build muscles and just live ordinary life. But something went wrong with my logic and I’ve been here before, I just don’t think I’ve kept it up this stubbornly before – at least not while exercising. I usually cave after a while automatically and pick up a bag of chips or something similar. But not now.

When I feel particularly dark and hear my close friend say something like “you won’t be able to keep this up forever, you’ll be dead before you’re thin enough”, I think that oh, well at least then I won’t have to struggle with this shit. I won’t have to worry about what to eat or rather not to eat. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die…it’s just that this is all taking a great toll on me and sometimes my mind ventures into these kind of thoughts.

But I’m not a quitter, so I won’t give up. I’m trying my best to keep my head above water so to speak and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to turn things around. Like I said in my previous entry, I’m lucky to have such amazing people in my life <3. I hope you do too.

Shout-Out

 

Hey guys,

I know that I’ve been horrible at keeping this up! I’m sorry. But like I explained in the last entry, I’ve been sick and needless to say, a blog dedicated to the subject of me training isn’t really going to strive under a period like that. But now I’m back again and I want to say “stronger than ever”, but that’s not entirely true for more than one reason. Of course, I knew that going back – after being sick and off training for over a week – wasn’t going to be easy, but it’s been more than that.

To continue where I sort of left it in my previous entry, I’ve lost weight. Mostly due to the major cold, I mean how fun is it to eat when you can barely swallow and definitely can’t taste a thing? Not much. And while I’m thrilled – or rather more content – with what I see in the mirror now, it’s all bittersweet. I don’t know, I can’t really make heads or tails about what I feel. I mean I love the feeling I have now: the giddiness that takes complete control over my body and psyche when I try on clothes and notice that they’re either looser or maybe even too big. That’s such an amazing feeling. But (yeah, there always seem to be a “but” lurking around, doesn’t it?) with this weight loss comes a lot of other feelings too, I mean what if I gain it back? Oh, the horror.

To be honest, and like you remember I’ve made a deal with myself (and you guys) that I’m going to be honest. Completely honest.  Things haven’t been that good lately. Before I became sick I had no problem following Cassey’s instructions and directions when it came to eating clean/healthy. Rather I welcomed it and while it was difficult at times, to be creative I liked it and I kept a very balanced diet and more importantly l I didn’t do anything rash like skipping meals or throwing up. I felt really good.

But lately, it’s like I have this little voice inside my head whispering remember that you lost all this weight quickly, and you look better now, just because you didn’t eat much at all! And all of a sudden, I’m sitting here with an all too familiar feeling: that I’m scared of food, of eating because it’ll surely make me gain again. Which I don’t want.

And even now that I’ve started exercising again, I can’t really make myself eat the way that I should and before you all start shouting at me that I should know better and all the cons of not eating while exercising. Let me stop you right there, because I know. Alright? I do know and I know what happens in the end. But it’s just not all that easy.

I’m trying to tell myself that this isn’t a solution, it’s better that I gain a little again if that means start eating better and then gradually loose the weight again after a while. But (yeah, that damn “but” again), I just don’t know how. I feel powerless, but at the same time I know that in reality, I am the one with all the power. No one else is making me think these things or do these things.

Fortunately for me I’ve got E in my life and a new found friend, D. I don’t know what I’d do without these guys, they are truly my rocks and I don’t even think that they’re aware of the ways that they’re helping me, or even the way that they’re saving me from myself every single day. I’m eternally grateful and with them in my corner, I’m hoping to get back on track for real. Exercising AND eating!

I also wanted to give a shout-out to Bri, thank you so much for your support! Your latest comment really moved me and it meant so much to me that you’re reading my blog, that you listened to what I had to say (and even enjoyed it!). I’ve always loved writing, but the feeling of knowing that I’ve reached out to someone, well that’s something truly amazing. Thank you, honey!

Are you listening?


Do you have anyone who’s listening to you?

I hope so. Life’s so much easier when you have someone rooting for you in your corner. I’ve always enjoyed being that person, the listening one, and sometimes I’ve simply been dealt that role. But sometimes it’s not just about listening to somebody else, but to listen to yourself or your body.

For about five weeks I managed to follow Cassey’s calendar without a single break, which is huge seeing as it’s me and exercising six times a week it’s a major accomplishment. But then at the end of last week I got this major cold and haven’t been able to train since, it’s day 8 now and I’m soon going to go crazy. I actually miss it, who knew. Well, I’ve thought about it and I know that it’s crucial to be able to actually listen to your body’s signals; it’ll let you know when you have to slow down, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

But no, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been so into this whole training phase lately and it felt like a minor defeat to settle down onto the couch these last couple of days. But I realize that it’s for my own good. But it’s much easier to be the one doling out advice or being the one listening, rather than to actually make yourself feel better. Do you listen to your own advice?

Also, been noticing some weight loss lately (mostly during these days of sickness, so maybe it’s temporary? Although I hope it’s not…), not that I have a scale, but I’ve noticed clothes getting looser. How do you guys deal with that? I mean, sure it’s good news, that’s my goal to shed some pounds, but it’s bittersweet. At least for me. I mean, now I feel desperate to keep them off and not gain them back.

For quite some time now, I’ve had a complicated relationship with food. But thanks to Cassey and this whole POP-Pilates regime, I’ve felt much better, better than I have in ages. I’ve eaten properly, more frequently throughout the day and I’ve felt stronger, more energetic. I haven’t had any anxieties and I’ve been able to treat myself with typical “cheat” meals every now and then. This is huge progress, but at the same time I’ve felt myself regress slightly these last couple of days, now that I haven’t been able to exercise. But I hope to be able to start slowly tomorrow or maybe even today, and then I’ll get right back on track.

When I’ve talked to others who’ve had similar thoughts/troubles as I, I’ve offered clichés mostly like: Life’s too short; You have to be able to Enjoy life too, not just focus on training and calories; Whatever training you do, even if it’s one squat, it’s better than nothing and If you keep eating clean, you don’t have to worry so much. Just do your best.

The thing is that I’m not really a hypocrite, since I really do believe in them (the clichés) and I wish that I’d listen more to myself at times. But it’s difficult, that’s the problem, huh? We are our own worst critics.

In a way I feel so incredibly stupid for worrying about calories and being skinny/beautiful enough. I mean, if you’re healthy isn’t that the most important thing? What about feeling good about who we are, even if we’re not skinny models or have visible super abs? Sure, it can be a good thing to think about eating clean and stuff like that, but it shouldn’t rule your life should it? We do only live once and I surely don’t want to look back and remember a constant struggle trying to become “perfect”, I feel like it’s a mission doomed to fail unless we get realistic and try to feel good about what we manage to accomplish (no matter how small those accomplishes might be) and not become greedy by thinking “ah, well just a few more pounds…” or whatever it might be. I’m not saying you shouldn’t challenge yourself, but it’s important to get some perspective, so that it doesn’t go too far. Hopefully you have someone around you who can help you and someone who can keep track of you.

Yesterday I received some bad news, my father has to undergo yet another surgery. Cancer, benign though and they’re very positive and yada yada. But I can’t really calm down about it, hence I haven’t slept at all tonight. And doesn’t this put some perspective on things? Real life, horrible things are happening and what am I doing? Worrying about looking good enough on the beach this summer.

I wish we could all just try to work on being more content with who we are and except that we can’t all live up to the Hollywood standard, we can work on being healthy and exercise to live longer but we shouldn’t have to hold back on everything just so that we’ll be good enough for someone else (we usually get the idea of what’s perfect from someone else, don’t we? We keep comparing ourselves to others in the gym or models in the magazines. I mean usually we want others to look at us and think/say “wow, he/she is good looking/perfect”, even if we keep on insisting that we’re only doing it for ourselves. Because we’re stronger than that, stronger than falling for societies norms, right?). It’s pretty tragic, isn’t it?

Sorry, I’m ranting and I’m not even sure if I’ve reached a conclusion. I guess I needed to be the one not listening for a change. I love you guys, try to be happy with who you are. I’m sure there’s something that you like about yourself, find at least one thing and hold on to it  (I challenge you – á Cassey – to it) You can do it, I know you can. 

38. Bodypop! HIIT

 

Suitable picture/caption, huh?
But no, please don’t HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) me one more time. Once was enough, at least for today. For those of you following Cassey’s April calendar #Blogilates127 Workout Calendar, all know that today’s first video (if you don’t do some stretching before hand, like I try to do) was 38. Bodypop! HIIT. Normally Cassey’s HIIT-videos are hard, but man! this one was incredibly hard, I wanted to die several times and I think I might hate Burpees. What did you guys think about today’s vidoes?

And my butt is for sure dead now after that 25 minute “Butt blaster” video and the last one contained some butt exercises too. Man! But that I liked. Can you believe that it’s only been 9 days in April and we’ve already done at least 42 videos! That’s pretty incredible.

And POPsters out there, I guess you all know about Cassey winning the Shorty Award in NYC for #SocialFitness. It’s so great and for those of you who haven’t seen her video posted from the award (it’s on YouTube) watch it! It’s incredible and of course Cassey did her own thing, I won’t spoil it, so just watch, alright? I really think that Cassey deserved this award, she’s done so incredibly much for us POPsters out there and it’s not like teaching us, keeping us on our toes via her YouTube videos is the only thing that she does during a day. She’s absolutely incredible and such a wonderful role model.

Thank you Cassey! 

The Way We Tone

 

Hey guys!
What did you think about Cassey’s new video: The Way We Tone? I thought it was pretty amazing, I love it when new videos comes up and seeing as I haven’t been on this for all that long (although this is my fifth week and counting, yes I’m quite proud of myself) there are a lot of videos I haven’t tried yet. That’s what I love about this new calendar, #blogilates127 – going through all of Cassey’s videos! It super fun.

For those of you who have been doing this for a while, do you have a favorite video?
I’m still not sure but I did love last Friday’s videos, according to the April calendar. One that I’m not a huge fan of, mostly because I pretty much die during(!) it is: Lolo Legs ‘n Lunges. It’s so intense and quite hard, even though I feel that I’m the strongest in my legs.

Since I actually went and bought myself those expensive running shoes I’ve thought about keeping the 1 mile run up, like during the last calendar where we were supposed to run every Monday and Friday. Unfortunately, I feel a lack of motivation when it’s not on the calendar and I don’t really have to do it, yeah I’m basically that lazy…but I did go out this last Saturday, so that was good, I had plans on going out again today but that didn’t happen. Ah, well I’m going to try again on Wednesday when I have time before uni.

How’s it going for you POPsters out there?
Please, comment or something it’s always nice to make new friends out there and then we can all encourage each other, I know I could use that at times. Even if I’m proud of my five weeks, sometimes the enthusiasm I felt in the beginning wears off. Oh, and by the way, is there someone out there who’s going to Cassey’s meet in NYC? Oh, it would be sooo cool to be able to meet her and join in on a meet like that, but unfortunately I won’t be able to be there.

And lastly. I browsed around on Cassey’s website and read some of the amazing(!) stories from some of you POPsters. You’ve really transformed yourself and you seem to feel great about it and that it what matters, right? How YOU feel about yourself, not what other’s think or feel. Anyway, in those stories it never says (or I might have missed it) how long it took to get those amazing results. I mean it would be fun to know that, I’m curious. For those of you out there who feel like they’ve been able to transform, lost some body fat and gained some muscles, please share your stories with me, some timelines. It would be fun.

But keep in mind, we’re all different and it’s a very individual thing! Just do you best, alright?

xoxo,
R

I’m back!

Hey guys!
I’m so sorry for my absence but I’m still here and still going strong with Cassey’s workout regime. Although I have to be honest, you know that I always will. Since my birthday party (well you saw the pictures of all the goodies) I have eaten terribly unhealthy stuff not so much of it, just a little here and there and that didn’t feel good. It turned out that a lot of my friends couldn’t come to my party, and many last minute, so that sucked! And so I ended up with having a lot of sweets left. So you can imagine that I’ve been snacking on candy and whatnot. But I did try to give some of it away so that I wouldn’t end up eating it all. But since I ate a little here and there until Monday this week (a day that was red marked in the calendar and thus free from work/school etc) I haven’t been able to keep up with calorie counting on MyFitnesspal, but hey whatever. Monday I was over at my parents for lunch it was really nice, it was sort of our Easter get-together. We don’t celebrate it in the religious sense but we still try and get the closest family together and then we just spend time with each other. The closest family being me, my parents, my little brother, my grandmother and my partner.

When I left to go to my parents Cassey hadn’t uploaded the new WO calendar and yes, I could’ve done some of the old ones. But I didn’t so instead I worked out extra both on Tuesday and yesterday to keep up and now I’m in sync with the calendar. But let me tell you, working out like 70-80 mins instead of that 55-60 mins that we usually train, it was hell! I felt so dead in the end.

But I don’t think I’ve gained that much weight during this Easter holiday/My birthday phase, but I guess I haven’t really lost anything either. But now I’m back on track! YES. And if felt so good to go back to my normal routine today when waking up and having my oat meal, half a banana.

And now I’m going to do the WO on the calendar today, before heading into the city. What are you guys up to today? And how do you like the new calendar?

And how did you do during Easter? Did you keep up with the training and did you also eat candy and stuff?

Here we go April!